I also blog over at Red Room, the author's website. Last week we were asked to blog about a secret holiday ingredient, and I'm pleased and proud to say that my piece was one of three to be honored and receive a prize of a book. Here is the piece in its entirety. Most of the people in my family celebrate Hanukkah, and it had always been our tradition to give our nieces and nephews money Hanukkah gelt every year. The amount always varied depending on how wealthy or not we felt in a given year. However, as they grew up and married and had children of their own we felt our measly little check was insignificant and probably went to help pay for a half a bag of groceries. So we decided to look for something a little more meaningful and more in keeping with our tradition of giving to charity at year's end. Every year on December 31, my husband and I sit down and make a list of the non-profit asks we have amassed through the year. Then we first make a decision about which … [Read more...]
What I Miss
Paul loved playing the piano What I Miss Twelve years didn't erase him. He is still with me everyday. The memories haven't dimmed. I clearly see his face, his clear blue eyes, his buzzed hair in my mind. I miss hearing him play his music as his bent fingers lightly trickled up and down the keyboard. I miss hearing his footsteps on the stairs and hardwood floors as he prowled around the house at night. I miss hearing his deep voice as he said, hello when he came home from work I also miss his expertise. He solved our computer problems at night leaving carefully written instructions in his childish printing for us to find the next morning. I don't miss his smoking, I don't miss his bad moods during his last few years, I don't miss that his sickness sometimes made him angry and me angry at him. No, I don't miss those things. But, I don't think about them. I just think about the things about him that I miss. 2008, 2011 … [Read more...]
The first night of Hanukkah
Hanukkah was a big deal when the boys were young. We'd decorate the house with streamers and banners and other hanging Hanukkah icons, I'd make special meals that always included potato Latkes (pancakes), we'd give the boys a gift each night, and of course we'd always light the candles adding one more each of the eight nights until the Menorah had all the candles burning on the last night. Early on Paul became our candle lighter. Once he was old enough he loved to strike the matches. After the candles were lit it was time for gift giving, playing the Dreidel (spinning top) gambling game, and eating foil-wrapped chocolate Hanukkah Gelt (money). All great memories especially of Paul. Paul's on my lap All on his own That's Granny on the left By the way, tonight's the first night of Hanukkah. … [Read more...]
Life in the South Pacific
Our family lived in the South Pacific on a military base called Kwajalein in the Marshall Islands from January 1977 until September 1978. Paul was five and Ben two and a half when we arrived. Paul absolutely loved it there while Ben hardly has any memory of it. Paul attended Kindergarten and first grade on the island. Ben couldn't attend the nursery school until he turned three so I took him to a baby sitter for an hour or so every day until he was old enough to go to school. He had some little friends to play with, and I learned how to hit a tennis ball. Bob managed a software test program, and although I never had a paying job there, I did some volunteer activities. However, I used to get up early every morning and write. In fact, my Kwaj journal entries turned into an article that was published in our company magazine after our return. We also traveled into Micronesia twice to Ponape, Yap, Palau and Guam, and we stayed in Hawaii on the way there and on the way home. You can … [Read more...]
The famous black bomber jacket
It's getting cold enough for heavy jackets especially when I go to the gym early in the morning. And I have the perfect one Paul's black bomber. I've written about it, I have vivid memories of Paul wearing it, and since he died I've worn it many times. But, I've never shown it off until now. I'm happy to say it still looks fresh and new no major holes, no fading. I guess it likes hanging in my office closet, transformed from the closet Paul once used. Hopefully, it will stay in this condition for many years to come. How about that orange lining? Black Bomber Swaddled in this black bomber jacket all weekend, I am safe from the Big Sur chill. It's too large for me. And that's okay. It was Paul's. I bought it for him years ago at American et Cie on La Brea before he went crazy and decided to leave us way before his time. I like how it snuggles me, like he's in there too giving me a hug. It's the only piece of his clothing I have left. I've given away the rest: his … [Read more...]
Eight hours of hand surgery at age two
Day before hand surgery Paul was born with his middle and ring fingers on both hands connected. The individual bones were there, but there was no webbing in between for the natural finger separation. Also the day before We immediately consulted a hand surgeon who suggested we wait until he was four years old to schedule a surgery to separate his fingers. He said if the procedure was done too soon scar tissue could undermine the skin grafts needed to create the webs between his fingers. However, once Paul realized he could stretch the two fingers apart a little bit around age two he wanted to open them. He asked for a screwdriver ("foogiver," he said) to accomplish it. Of course that frightened us and we consulted another surgeon. He agreed to do the work sooner rather than later. So, a couple of months after Paul turned two he underwent an eight-hour surgery to open his fingers and graft skin taken from his groin area to create the webs in between. Each hand had about one … [Read more...]
Writing down the memories
It was almost an obsession of mine to get my Paul memories written down. I even wrote poems and journal entries about how I went about it. And fortunately I did write them down because a lot of that material ended up in my memoir, Leaving the Hall Light On. Memory List I'm making a memory list. I don't want to forget my son Paul, So I'm writing down all the things I can think of that were unique to him. I keep grabbing, scratching my bony claws at the surface of my brain to remember, to rediscover, to reconnect with how he looked, what he said, what he did, how he did it. I am continually searching for little mannerisms that were so Paul. I keep adding to it I keep going back to it I keep rereading it I keep editing it, so I don't duplicate what's already on it. But, hey, I know a little list of things he did or said isn't going to bring him back to me. That's the truth. You should have seen him. He walked so fast like the rest of the New Yorkers. I … [Read more...]
New York City Memories with Paul
Paul, June 1992, New York City In June 1992 I went to New York City to visit Paul. We shopped for a bookcase for his new studio apartment that he kept immaculate, we had dinner at a favorite Indian restaurant, and we went to the theater. One day it was so hot that I took a shower at his place before we went to dinner and my first meeting with his new girlfriend. This was the young woman who was his love for the rest of his life. He was very caring of me during this visit. He stayed with me at the Union Station until it was time for me to board the train for Washington DC where I would also visit my brother and his family. Paul worried about me being in the station alone. I am so glad we had such a special time together, and that he gave me the opportunity to take his picture. That visit took place nine months before his first manic episode. After that there were no more opportunities. Paul's New York New York City Union Square, the lower East side Paul's country. He … [Read more...]
More birthday thoughts
Paul, age nine, showing off his ability to play the saxophone Though Paul always showed an interest in the piano even as a baby his first music lessons were at school on a rented saxophone when he was nine years old. But after a year and bumpy progress in his ability to play that instrument, he asked for a synthesizer. We said we'd get him one once he learned to play our piano. So at age ten he committed to piano lessons and regular practicing and within a year we knew he had a special talent. By the time of his Bar Mitzvah when he was thirteen, he had his synthesizer and a growing interest in jazz music. The next year he enrolled in Crossroads High School and auditioned to be in its jazz ensemble. He was admitted. Paul as a jazzman never looked back. My Jazzman My jazzman beat it out on the mighty eighty-eights, played those riffs, tapped his feet bent his head down to the keys, felt those sounds on his fingertips. Yeah, he was a hot man on those … [Read more...]
Is my marketing program beginning to pay off?
So, it looks like there's been a little movement in my memoir, Leaving the Hall Light On, Amazon sales ranking this week. It went down from as high as in the one millions to the 700,000s earlier this week, and back up to the one millions again and down to the 300,000s today. Does that mean two books have sold? I have no clue what those numbers mean. But hopefully all that has been going on in the last few weeks has spurred some sales: my talk at the American Association of University Women in mid November, Marla Miller (Marketing the Muse) highlighting my platform earlier this week and posting my July 19, 2010 blog piece about my journey to getting published yesterday, my showcase on The Hamilton Gallery with links to Amazon for book purchases, and another five-star review up on Amazon yesterday. It's really been a yeasty time. Plus I've had more and more Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter connections, and I look forward to a piece about my work and book in a future issue of the … [Read more...]
Birthday thoughts
It's time to think about how to remember Paul on his birthday this year. Had he lived, he would have become forty years old on December 31. I wonder why I can remember the day he was born so vividly. I can also remember the day he died over twelve years ago now. Some of the in between is gone, some of the memories may be skewed a bit, but not a day goes by that I don't acknowledge Paul's existence in my life. Maybe it's enough of a celebration to have a celebration of his life listen to his music, get out and read from his favorite books they are still packed in boxes out in the garage and eat some of his favorite foods probably those would be pizza and sushi. And continue to write about him. Many of the poems I've written about him appear in my memoir, Leaving the Hall Light On. I think I'll post a few of those this month too. I'll also post some more of his pictures. He really was an adorable baby and a good-looking guy. After all, I am his mother, I have a right to … [Read more...]
November sunset
As the sun sets on November I'll share a wonderful sunset photo my husband took from the end of the Manhattan Beach pier and a twitter-length poem for autumn. Autumn Isolation I like that as the trees rustle outside, stripping in the sunlight, I can't hear their sway I can't hear their song. [Published on Twitter and at unFold Magazine on September 21, 2011] … [Read more...]
Thanksgiving thankfulness – 2011
In early September, my friend Alices' son started the heart transplant process. First he had to be evaluated to find out if he was indeed eligible. And yes, after a battery of tests, various medications to keep his heart plugging along, and several days wait, his doctors determined he was eligible. Then the long wait for a heart that he envisioned as his Golden Heart began: first at the hospital, then at home with a fanny pack containing a 24-hour medication drip, then quickly back to the hospital again. By mid October, his heart had began to deteriorate and the lack of circulation was affecting his other organs. To ameliorate this condition he underwent a BiVad the implant of a heart pump that supports both sides of his heart to get the blood circulating and oxygenating throughout his body. Then, by late October and early November, although he was in and out of the ICU a couple of times, he had healed nicely, had a healthy rosy glow, had more and more energy and appetite, and … [Read more...]
Public Speaking – a new career?
This past Saturday morning I spoke at a meeting of our local chapter of the American Association of University Women (AAUW). And as usual, after all my stressing about it and worry that I would totally mess up, my talk went very well. I was on stage for forty-five minutes speaking about my writing background, local organizations that provide mental illness and suicide prevention help, how I used writing to get me through the grief of losing a son to suicide, and how I created my memoir, Leaving the Hall Light On from my journals, poetry manuscript, and writing workshop pieces. I also read two prose pieces and two poems from the book. I never thought I could hold forth for so long. In fact, when the program chairperson called to set up my presentation we decided to give the group a writing exercise if I didn't have enough to say in the time I was allotted. Although I had my cheat sheets in front of me and just needed to glance down on them from time to time to make sure I was … [Read more...]
String Bridge by Jessica Bell – a sneak peek
Tomorrow I'll be interviewing Jessica Bell about her debut novel, String Bridge, and I'll post my review of it. But I wanted to give you a sneak peek today because I am so in awe of this author. Not only is she a marvelous writer and poet - I also reviewed her poetry book, Twisted Velvet Chain, a few months ago, but so astute at marketing. Her goal was to be number one on Amazon on November 11, and she got pretty darn close. She asked all her friends and writing colleagues to post information about String Bridge on their blogs that day and also got them to post a link to Amazon from their Twitter, Goodreads, and Facebook accounts, inundating everyone - in my mind a totally brilliant move. She also created a twenty-day blog tour that started on November 1, the day Lucky Press (my publisher too) released her book. Many, many people were very happy to participate - including me. You can bet that I've learned a huge lesson from Jessica. I already knew it takes a lot of work to … [Read more...]
New traditions for our 2011 holidays
Now that I've ordered our Thanksgiving turkey, I've started to think about the holidays. They are always hard for me since we don't have Paul with us, but this year's Thanksgiving will be different and I suspect very wonderful. We're sharing it with our daughter-in-law Marissa's family. Everyone will come to our house and bring their Thanksgiving specialty dish to share. I'm the turkey, gravy, stuffing, and cranberries person. The rest is up to our ten guests. I can't wait to try some new foods, get to know my new family better, and perhaps start a new Thanksgiving tradition. A friend of mine recently sent me this piece about ways to change our holiday gift giving traditions. I think there are a lot of good ideas here. If you agree, please share them with your family and friends. Maybe we can show we care about each other in a whole new way this year. The Holidays 2011 -- Birth of a New Tradition As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high … [Read more...]
A perfect day for a walk on the beach
I usually take a big long walk to the beach on Sunday mornings, but now that it's lighter at six o'clock, I decided a walk this morning would be a nice change from the monotony of the gym. And I wasn't disappointed. As the sun began to appear I could see for blocks up the beach and all the way to Catalina. The bike path looking toward the Manhattan Beach pier Hey, Catalina's out for a change I could even see the strings of lights atop the pier round house … [Read more...]
