Today is the twenty-second anniversary of the suicide death of my older son Paul. And as is my tradition to visit his gravesite on his death day and birthday every year, I will go to Hillside Cemetery in Culver City, CA this afternoon. Until my husband Bob died last November, we always went to visit Paul’s grave together. The first time I went alone was on Paul’s birthday, last December 31. When Paul died, Bob and I disagreed about what to do with his body. I wanted him buried and in place close by so I could visit his grave. Bob wanted him cremated – which wasn’t very usual for Jewish people. The rabbi we consulted said we could do anything we wanted, so we chose both. He was cremated and buried, which served us both very well. Isn’t it interesting that I have recently moved to a place that is about a two-minute drive away? Visiting Paul’s gravesite on his birthday and death day every year is just to make me feel better. I don’t believe he knows or would even care that I’m there. … [Read more...]
Birthday thoughts
It's time to think about how to remember Paul on his birthday this year. Had he lived, he would have become forty years old on December 31. I wonder why I can remember the day he was born so vividly. I can also remember the day he died over twelve years ago now. Some of the in between is gone, some of the memories may be skewed a bit, but not a day goes by that I don't acknowledge Paul's existence in my life. Maybe it's enough of a celebration to have a celebration of his life listen to his music, get out and read from his favorite books they are still packed in boxes out in the garage and eat some of his favorite foods probably those would be pizza and sushi. And continue to write about him. Many of the poems I've written about him appear in my memoir, Leaving the Hall Light On. I think I'll post a few of those this month too. I'll also post some more of his pictures. He really was an adorable baby and a good-looking guy. After all, I am his mother, I have a right to … [Read more...]
