We saw a terrific movie this afternoon Slumdog Millionaire. Perhaps it's the best movie I've seen all year. Such a vivid portrayal of the streets of India and the life of street children and how they were exploited and abused and even mutilated! It was heavy and then uplifting in the end. And, so full of the sights and sounds of Mumbai -- a part of India that probably no tourist ever gets a chance to see. Later, after dinner, we went to see "Milk," the story of the first openly gay elected official. The phenomena of Harvey Milk and his gay rights movement happened in the 70s when I was a young mother and too preoccupied to pay attention to what was going on in the world around me. Also, when he finally came into power and was later assassinated we were living on Kwajalein where we were deprived of news of the goings on in the States. That was my loss. Seeing this movie tonight was a look back in a part of history that I unfortunately had no connection to. I'm glad to say I had the … [Read more...]
What can I do without?
The economic downturn has created a situation that I really didn't want to have to face ever. Just a little over a year ago we bragged to ourselves how comfortable we felt financially. And, now, it feels like we're walking on eggshells. Yes, both of us are still working that's the good part. So we don't have to use our dwindling IRAs to eat. At least not yet. But, who knows how long we'll have viable jobs or be able to keep our jobs because of our age? This year Bob, who has always earned way more than I, will earn less. Next year appears to be better for him his consulting expertise still seems to be in high demand. That gives us room to breathe. And, it also looks like I'm secure in my job as well I hate putting those words down on paper. What I've experienced lately is that things change very fast. So, the economic climate at my company could change just like that too. What we need to do right now is think of ways to cut down on our spending and concentrate mightily on … [Read more...]
The year 2008 — a short review
Here's the letter that will go in with our holiday cards -- that is unless Bob bleeds all over it with his red pen.... The death of my brother, Ken, this year made the importance of seeing and keeping in touch with friends and family even more important. So, this was a year of reconnection with friends in town, in Ojai and Santa Barbara, in New York at Bob's 50th Cooper Union reunion, in Washington State, in Colorado Springs at the Kwajalein reunion, and in Chicago and Winnetka for my 50th New Trier High School reunion. We also visited family in the Washington DC area and New York twice, made a brief trip to my sister's home in Oregon, and of course visited Denver many times before and after Ken's death. Going to Denver became like going across town on the shuttle bus. Besides all these little trips we worked hard and sometimes very long still on proposals to procure contracts worth billions of dollars for Northrop Grumman. For leisure we saw our fill of movies, … [Read more...]
Revisiting my bucket list
So, what about the bucket list? Definitely quitting work at this point is not on it. Our financial life has taken a downward turn along with everyone else's. I'm just so fortunate to have a job. Living in Italy will now have to be postponed indefinitely. Staying in my job is not consistent with living in Italy. Traveling has also moved far down on the list or even off of it for now. We are definitely economizing on that front. We haven't had a real trip in over two years and don't have plans for any in the future either near or far. I even cancelled going to a poetry writing workshop at Esalen in December because of the expense of the workshop and having to take a few days off work for no-pay I didn't have enough vacation time. That is not to say that we've stopped living. We're still eating out probably much too much. We're still entertaining. We're still going to movies, theater, and the opera (though I don't know about re-upping for all of those things next season), and … [Read more...]
Cold versus death — now there’s a choice
I've spent most of the last two weeks feeling so ill that I found myself weighing: cold-death, death-cold. Each seemed equally bad to me. (I know. This is a little dramatic!) Finally I snapped out of it. I'm feeling better. The incessant coughing and scratchy throat are over, the aches and headaches are gone, and I seem to be getting some of my energy back. But, I'm still not 100% as my dad used to say. My eyes are watery and red, my voice is not yet my own, and just yesterday I broke into such a sweat I felt like I was having a long series of hot flashes when I don't even get hot flashes anymore. And, throughout all this I kept my routine up at 5:00; at the gym by 5:30 doing my usual cardio, weight, and/or yoga/pilates exercises; home by no later than 7. Then dress, have breakfast, and at work by 8:30. My friend and sometime workout buddy says I am crazy to continue to exercise while feeling so sick, but if I don't get up and do my usual routine there is no way I can do my day at … [Read more...]
A turkey day delight
We asked our little great nieces to make decorations for our Thanksgiving table -- one edible turkey for each place at the table -- made from Nilla wafers, cherry cordials, corn candy, butterscotch chips and dried cranberries -- all glued together with chocolate frosting. Needless to say they were delighted with the idea and thrilled with the yummy (and perfect) results. As were we. The Thanksgiving Turkey Project … [Read more...]
Sick and tired
I've been sick with a cold for a week. I hate being sick. I don't know how to handle being sick. I try to do my normal life, but being sick won't let me. Even after I spent this weekend mostly in bed, taking cough syrup and throat lozenges and Advil, and eating tons of soup, I'm still sick. And work beckons me tomorrow. Needless to say, I haven't done one iota of creative activity during this time. Here's a poem from the distant past after a happy (and well) time at the opera. Oh, how I love the opera! At the Opera The grand salon was ablaze in hues of crimson enveloping the walls, the settees. Even the floors, even the drapery, even the hoop-skirted gowns were on fire in shades of red. I looked in awe of this fantastic bordello scene anxious for more and was not disappointed. Writhing down the staircase like snakes, rattling their teeth, kicking up their tails came the black cloaked sirens. They disrobed revealing legs and arms and bodies encased in … [Read more...]
The loving couple
Now that all that Turkey Day stuff is over it's time to think about the next major family event. And, that would be my nephew's wedding to this lovely young woman he's standing next to. It took a little coercing, but he finally popped the question last August 20 (on my brother's birthday had he lived to be 71), and they plan to be married on June 20 in a Denver park. They both have sky-blue eyes. I can't wait to see what their baby will look like. Or am I rushing things? No, I don't think so. I understand she's already looking up names that start with a K to honor Jeremy's dad, my brother. No matter how bad things can get, we always have beautiful things to look forward to. And, I do look forward to seeing this wonderful pair get married. I guess that's what keeps us going. … [Read more...]
The women in my life – part 5
The ladies in retail Rosie serves me at the cleaners. No matter when I go there mornings, evenings, Saturdays, Sundays she is always there. She calls me Mrs. Sharpless, but I don't mind. I like that she provides good service and good value and always with a smile. She is a tiny woman with red hair, always worn up off her face. And, she moves like lightening from the back cleaning area, to the counter, to the racks of cleaned and ready clothes. There is never a hesitation. She knows me when I walk in the door and knows exactly where to find the clothes I'm there to pick up. That's what I call good service. Vivian used to serve Bob in the men's department at Nordstrom, but she branched out in the last year or so to also serve women as a personal buyer. I really love that she's so ready and willing to go shopping for me because it's one of the things I dread doing. She lets me know when a big sale is coming up, I call back with a few things I'd like her to find for me, and we're … [Read more...]
The women in my life – part 4
The ladies who keep me fit Rosie is my sometime personal trainer. I'm not working with her right now, but that has more to do with the status of my pocketbook than about her abilities. She is short, energetic, fairly close to my age, and always concerned that I will be in enough balance in my old age so I can get on and off the toilet. I think that's her mission in life keeping her women clients in balance. But that's a good thing. Plus when I work out with her, she never lets up for the whole hour. One exercise after another until I can barely move. I love that she is upbeat and can keep talking on any subject at a fast clip while she's working me out. Even when I'm not working with her, if she sees I'm doing something incorrectly she'll come over and make me do it right. Erica is my adorable personal Pilates trainer. She also is a talker, but she stands close and scrutinizes my every move during each exercise. I've learned that Pilates is an exact practice one little toe out … [Read more...]
Finally, a celebration!
Every election night we gather with three other couples to eat, drink, watch the returns, and hopefully celebrate. In 2000 we watched the election returns with our friends at our home. And, as we said our goodbyes we were celebratory, thinking (and the networks forecasting) that Al Gore had won. The next morning we found out Florida was declared for Bush, and of course the rest is history. The bottom line, though, was we could no longer host an election night event. Our house was unlucky! In 2004 another one of the couples hosted the event Bob and I were in Europe so only participated by telephone. Again it turned out to be a night for Bush. So, their home was also considered unlucky. Well, this year we found the lucky house! And we decided that this year's hosts will host all our election night events in the future. This year we truly had a night with good friends, good food and lots of clinking crystal, and indeed, a result to celebrate. FINALLY! … [Read more...]
"Man plans and God laughs"
I've always liked that quote. My mother said it all the time. John Lennon wrote it another way in one of his songs: "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." So, what all that means to me is there is no sense in planning to do anything right now. No trips, no year in Rome, nothing really beyond today and maybe tomorrow until I know how this financial train wreck is going to turn out. Luckily, I still have a job. Right now any and all thoughts about leaving it are on hold. Here's a poem about one of my favorite diversions - working out. I definitely need to keep it up now. Across the Parking Lot, Into the Gym 5:30 A.M. in the dark, the cold rain, lines of cars jockey for the space closest to the door. The huge gray flatbed always in the compact section just to piss me off Inside blinding light reveals every pore, frown, furrow, sleepy eye, yawn, bed head every drop of sweat, every added inch gained chomping on chips, shoveling in the … [Read more...]
Old flames; old souls
I recently went to Winnetka, IL -- just north of Chicago -- for my 50th high school reunion. It was a good time though it seems like no one has changed -- the same cliques have prevailed since our high school days. But I saw some good friends -- from our New Trier News clique plus a few relatives and friends while we were there. Being in Chicago always brings back memories of growing up -- especially of being a chubby little girl, having a wonderful grandpa with thick white hair, and a first crush who had a face more handsome than Paul Newman's. Chicago Days My grandpa would hoist me high on top his shop counter caked and shiny with the glues and polishes he used to cobble and repair shoes on Chicago's West side. Once he let me try out his pipe and I decided to leave it alone after that. My dad got too big for that scene and we moved north near Lake Michigan. Our home had a huge living room where I dreamed of marrying in front of the fireplace. But, too soon we … [Read more...]
Always something
Bob's brother, Richard, had a triple bypass surgery this morning. He had had no symptoms. He just went in for a checkup in preparation for knee replacement surgery, and his doctor found a blockage that couldn't be fixed with a simple angioplasty. Bob talked to the hospital folks a couple of hours ago, and the surgery seemed to have gone well. Richard was still sleeping and in intensive care. But the bottom line here, is that there is always something. Bob is very worried. As am I. Richard is a great guy. Unfortunately, he abused his body by smoking three packs of cigarettes for most of his life. However, he's been cigarette free now for the last two or three years. He quit right after his wife, Vera, died of lung cancer. Now there's a lesson learned! … [Read more...]
Four generations
My aunt has been hosting a Rosh Hashanah lunch for the family for about the last 20 years. Here we are -- four generations -- last Tuesday posing for our annual photo. Auntie is front and center -- 92 years young and still gorgeous! … [Read more...]
Lucky me!
I was lucky to have a few minutes to talk to Paul on his last night alive. Bob was angry that he did not. And, in that conversation there was no way to know that it would be my last time with him. Yet, in hindsight there were lots of clues. I went over and over the words we spoke in those few minutes and came upon a million what ifs. But, there was no going back. The next morning I knew I would never have the chance to speak to him again. The Last Night How could I have known it would be the last night? A night like all the others: the low creaking groan of the garage door, tires screeching to maneuver into the narrow place, the roar of the engine before silence. Then slamming the door, my son, sweeps down the long hall, calling out hello in his deep friendly voice. I startle as I hear his heavy strides pass my door, I call out to him. Returning, he enters my room standing, staring, looking more calm than I've ever seen him. His blue eyes like sapphires fringed … [Read more...]
Making a memory list
Paul -- 4 years old I spent some time a few years ago trying to make a list of all the things I wanted to remember about Paul. It became an endless task -- and frustrating too -- because I came upon things that I could no longer remember. Luckily we have his music, loads of photos, some of his writing as well. What I fear the most is after Bob and I are gone, memories of Paul will be gone too. Remembering Paul I'll always remember he slept without closing his eyes all the way I'll always remember he walked fast and way ahead of us I'll always remember he had long, thick, black eyelashes surrounding clear blue eyes I'll always remember he played the piano legs crossed at the knees, leaning way down over the keyboard I'll always remember he liked to wear second-hand clothes and didn't mind if they were ripped I'll always remember he stood at the pantry door munching almonds I'll always remember he liked to climb trees, rocks, diving boards I'll always remember … [Read more...]
Back to Paul’s country
Paul was thrilled to be accepted at the New School's jazz music program as a college freshman. He had always loved New York -- even as a little boy. He never minded the fast pace, the smells, the sounds. He thrived on them -- until he had his first manic break. After that he was certain people were lurking in doorways out to get him and his girlfriend. But, he couldn't stay away. We'd bring him back to California for hospital treatment and a short spell of quiet and rest, but as soon as he could he'd go back. Back and forth, back and forth, so many times I didn't keep count -- until he came home for good two and a half years before he died. We go back to New York often -- it still attracts us. Maybe because Paul is still there everywhere Another View of New York New York City Union Square, the lower East side Paul's country. He blossomed there He became a musician there While he learned about the real world Of cold fourth floor walkups, Dealers hustling on street … [Read more...]
Picking up the pieces
So, instead of moving, instead of getting that "fresh" house, we began to renovate. I got rid of the scene of the crime first, then I took his bedroom and closet and turned them into a beautiful office where I'm sitting right now writing this, and we moved boxes and boxes of things we cannot part with into the garage. All the boxes are meticulously labeled and arranged in deference to him. Demolition Bathroom We don't have to look into that room anymore and wonder if spots of blood still remain on the floors and walls. We've demolished the scene of the crime. We will no longer step into that tub and see Paul in his white long sleeved work shirt and khaki pants sitting against the shower door in a bloody puddle. They've taken it all away. The old aqua blue tub the toilet, and sinks. the faux marble counter with burn stains from the tiny firecrackers he set off as a teenager. The god-awful blue and yellow vinyl flooring is gone. Sterile white tiles and … [Read more...]
Ben, my love
We were with Ben and his girlfriend, Marissa, last night. We see him often. Unfortunately for him he has the burden of being our only child now, but he has excelled in this role -- thrust upon him so suddenly and completely. He is all a mom could wish for in a son -- and so beautiful and talented besides. A Poem That Wants To Be for Ben They are always about Paul, my dead son the one who died of his own free will so many years ago. My hordes of poems go on like a mantra: his mania, depression, his delusions, escapades, his suicide. They never fail to mention his piercing blue eyes, the little half smile that never showed his teeth, the smoky smell and the way he slumped over the piano like the thinker as he played. Paul and his death have been my muse. Ben's living eyes brim over with love as he looks down and folds me in his arms. He is the son who says I love you every time we speak. His smiles are wide even when he faces disappointment in his own … [Read more...]
